teenage and frantic

andybourg 1977
Originally uploaded by bumpoowilly.

On Tuesday Afternoon, Tommy spent approximately seven hours, twenty pounds, eight cake tins, an entire jar of marmalade, and other exciting objects he may have found in our kitchen. The kitchen surfaces gained a new blue sugary coating. By twenty past eight me and Anna were sitting in the Hand in Hand, sipping ale and wondering whether anyone else was going to turn up. They didn't. We wandered on down to the Hanbury Ballrooms, where various musicians were Sound Checking on the stage, Dave the Machine was attempting to operate a mixing desk and play the flute at the same time, and Andy was running around preparing for his big "Two Nine". Surprise guests from out of town included Nicky "model-handsome good looks and perfect pop song structure" P and Ollie "the face of the teenage heartthrob is about to change" Gimp. As people arrived, Tim (with band) began performing, with Andy's grotesque selection of photographs displayed on the projector behind him. The effect must have been mildly disconcerting for poor Tim, as the crowd reaction didn't seem to match his MC-ing and Poet-ing. "Oooh, look, there's Chris with butter spilling out of his mouth! Oooh, there's Dave the Machine killing Lee Harvey Oswald!". Next, the Bobby Mc Gees began their 'domestic violence with ukuleles' twee-core, interspersed with Jimmy shouting at the audience to shut up, followed by a distorted-ukulele-twee-punk-butterflies with a flurry of plastic Figurines.

Next, it's the live debut (and first rehearsal, I guess) of Pukulele and The Meatles. Now Pukulele is me and Tom's redneck country tweemo band, featuring me on harmonica and slide whistle, and Tom on ukulele and casiotone. We sing a song about how the animals we used to live in harmony with have turned on us. We attempt to do a cover of 4st 7lb by the Manic Street Preachers but Andy comes up on stage and tells us that we can't play any more because time is short and The Meatles have to get on the stage. So The Meatles, the world's first meat-themed Beatles covers band take to the stage, featuring John Lenin, Ringo Stalin, Senator Paul Mc Carthy and Mark Chapman. Ringo Stalin bumbles around at the back of the stage and occasionally trips over a cymbal and sings some Beatles songs. But it's all good, and The Meatles serenade the audience with Strawberry Veal Forever and have them all singing along, waving lighters in the air to the rousing chorus of Let It Beef.

Old Uncle Flute-thing then began playing, with MC Emmental delivering some less than cheesy lines, and Dave the Machine fluting it up like the Pied Piper of Hanover.

AND THEN

At this point, things began going a bit strange. The aforementioned cake was brought onto the stage, and everyone serenaded Andy with a fine chorus of Happy Birthday. I had a grotesque acceptance speech flashback as he attempted to thank everyone his eyes rested upon. And then the cutting of the cake. Oh god.

So Daniel Taylor is a chef. And has a massive £90ish two foot long razor sharp chef's knife. And of all the knives in the kitchen, which knife did Tommy choose to bring as a cake cutting impliment?

Tom, on his knees, on the stage, arms stretched out above his head, plate and cake above him, as Andy stumbles about on the stage with a massive knife, jabbing at the massive mound of cake. Within about five minutes, the situation can only be known as cake tragedy. There is cake everywhere. At one point the knife sticks point-down into the ground and quivers there. Daniel shudders. Andy knocks Nicky P's pint out of his hand and broken glass and beer mix with the cake. The knife is confiscated by the Hanbury Ballrooms; "It's not a Hanbury Ballrooms thing. No venue lets you take a knife like that in!". Phone Mast Dave pirhouettes in the cake and glass on his tiptoes, dreadlocks swirling around him. The net full of balloons bursts open. The balloons are full of strawberry fondant. They shower everyone in strawberry-ice-cream as they burst.

And then they asked us to leave.

We gradually make our way back to Andy, Tommy, Dave the Machine and Victoria's house, popping in at Alex's to see the most incredible iron-leaf bathroom. Then a renegade taxi driver takes us to The Fridge House. Me and Rosanne have a good old fashioned singalong to the Moldy Peaches, just like the old days. People come in from time to time, comment on how dreadful a band they are, and then leave. I cook up some curried banana (very nice. A bit sweet. Perhaps needed some garam masala rather than lasagne sheets) Phone Mast Dave drinks Tommy's plum brandy and mutters for a bit. I lose the entire contents of my pockets and worry for a bit. And then I have a most uncomfortable night's sleep in the hall, with Dave the Machine stepping over me to go to work.

We go out for breakfast in Cafe Motu, and go to the pub for a bit. Andy and everyone go bowling the next evening. Me and Anna babysit Alice and Ed's wee baby so we don't go. I still haven't managed to go bowling with Andy. Maybe one day.