Three reasons to say No

(Alan, Andy and Tom)

Drugs. Don't do it. They might make you feel great and make you love everyone and make all the colours swirl together and Anne Wilkinson wearing a bikini and go-go dancing, but it doesn't stop Elvis from being some kind of closet Nazi. Here are three more drug episodes to learn from.

a) Acid Alan

I'm working in the pub. Alan comes stumbling up to the bar. "What do you recommend?" I pour him a pint of ale. Handing him back his change, his money goes flying all over the bar. "Are you okay?", I ask. "I'm trying to.. moving.. requires a re-calculation.. of.. architecture...". He goes to sit outside. Eventually Nick and Rosanne come and find him. As he leaves, he utters "There's something .. is there? is there something I should or should not be doing?" He produces a £5 note. "Do I need to buy a drink for the person who is going to replace me?". No-one really can answer this question. Nick has a half. Alan goes with Nick and Rosanne.

b) Andy and the Jehovah's Witnesses

Andy is alone in town on Saturday night. He goes to a drum'n bass night and someone gives him four E tablets. Andy eats them. He dances the night away to pounding drum and bass music. At nine in the morning he wakes up on the seafront, all spangled and confused. He decides to walk off home. On the way home, he passes the Brighton Centre, where the Annual Jehovah's Witness convention is going on. Andy decides to reconcile himself with his Jehovah's Witness past, and goes in. He spends three hours in the Jehovah's Witness convention, talking to Jehavah's Witnesses, twitching, muttering and rolling his eyes. He is discovered asleep in Weatherspoons at half past two.

c) Tom and the Performance Enhancing Drugs

Rosie, Cosmos and Tom end up going out and taking some kind of heinous chemicals. Greatly spangled, they gradually make their way back to the house, and time rolls round to 7 o clock. Already twitching, blinking and trying to devour his way though a sturdy wooden spoon, Tom decides to take copious amounts of more heinous chemicals, and then go to work. Despite sneaking off to the toilets to take more throughout the day, he "entered more data than ever before", and "I don't think they noticed."

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This bloggue entry isn't supposed to be bigging up drugs, or denouncing my friends as the fiends they must sound here. These, I can assure you, are isolated and suprising incidents. And that ain't a word of a lie.