Thursday, June 28, 2007

Well! Hi there!

Well! Hi there!
Originally uploaded by cellar.door
It was just a normal day for Hugo, the aquarium cleaner at “Fish World”, the new large fish centre in the middle of London. It was the end of his second week of work, and he was just showing the last of the people out of “Fish World”. He shut the main doors behind the last person, and then went off to clean the aquarium. He got out his Wax Polish, picked up James, the conger eel, and begun to scrub him vigorously. The went round like this, cleaning fish and then placing them back in the tank. However, he just finished polishing Boris, the large Trout, when he noticed that Bob, the 6 foot Herring, was missing. He began to panic, as Bob was one of the best Fish in the whole place. It was only yesterday that he had been telling a small child about how Bob was found wandering around in the Pacific Ocean, lost and confused, when he had been rescued by the “Fish World” people. Hugo was really worried, and so he drew up a poster asking people to look out for Bob the Fish, then left. Unfortunately, he forgot to replace the lid on the tank containing Herman, the very dangerous Tuna.
During the night, Herman climbed out of the tank, stole a pair of roller skates, and skated off into the streets of London (Herman could breathe the air because he was wearing an aqualung. these are quite common, and most Ground dwelling fish have them nowadays (because otherwise they couldn’t breathe), they are not that expensive, and save on hospital fees.)
Meanwhile, Bob was having further dificulties. Earlier that day, he had jumped up out of his tank, and had got caught in the rafters of the building. As a tall person passed, he fell off, and landed on the tall person’s head. The tall person did not notice, and Bob was carried off out of “Fish World”, and into the back streets of London. Bob then was found by the meanest gang of people in the whole world, who were going to rob him of all of his money, but as he was a fish, he did not have any money, and so he was not worried. He leapt up in the air, and slapped them round the face with his enormous tail. The gang were so surprised that they all fell over, and made Bob the leader of their Gang. Eventually, as Bob introduced new members, the Gang was made completely of Fish. The key members were Bob, the 6 foot Herring; Edwin, the very large Plaice; Roland, the small but mean Flying Fish; and Justin, the short and fat Salmon.
Whilst Bob was living a life of Crime on the streets of London, Hugo, the cleaner, was sacked from his job at the aquarium, as he lost two very expensive fish, and had to seek further work. He went to Oxford, where he studied Sculpture at the university, before moving back to London, and he opened a shop which sold rare examples of Paving Stones.
Bob was still enjoying life as the leader of this gang. He used to sit back in his chair and eat seeweed, which was imported from the Pacific Ocean, Bob’s home, whilst his followers brought him news of the day’s events. Life continued like this for about 6 weeks, until suddenly, all this was upset.
Bob was sitting in his chair, just chewing on a particularly nice peace of seeweed, when suddenly Herman burst into his office. Herman was the very dangerous Tuna, who escaped on the same day as Bob on a pair of Roller Skates. Herman had sold his roller skates, and used the money to start up a business dealing in illegal goods, namely Cheese, which is banned in many parts of London due to its strange effects when left in a dark room for 5 years and then eaten. Herman said to Bob “I want to take over your Gang, I challenge you to a duel”, and so He and Bob had a duel, they stood back to back, walked 30 paces away, and then ran towards each other at high speed, and tried to knock each other out with their heads. Herman cheated, and glued a horseshoe to his head, which knocked Bob out. When Bob woke up, Herman had taken his gang, and left him in a small puddle in the middle of Oxford Street. Bob then realised that it was the 23rd of December, and saw the approaching shoppers heading towards Regent Street....

What will happen next? Find out in Bob II

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Wild Oats

Rosie & Buster Brown
Originally uploaded by lightgazer
It's been a while. We're running out of ethnics, of Paula Radcliffe jokes, of bad puns and holsters. It's June. It's Summer. That was April. That was May.

I'm feeling thoughtful and queasy and pained. No matter of orthopaedic chairs soothe my back like a soothing hand or a silken baby octopus would. It's a Thursday afternoon. Behind me, the Steine pulses, like the hollow tummy of one longing for a baby.

Two months of silence; Where have we been? A flurry of media-whoring, both literally and metaphorically. Going to France to a houseful of owls, riding on a broken stairlift. There will be time, there will be time.